I LOVE CAMPING<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As with all my adventures, a comedy element exists that brands them indelibly in the memory bank. This trip was no different. As I fumbled through the two days at Great Sand Dunes National Park near Alamosa, Colorado \u2013 by myself \u2013 it seemed that these might be moments for Jerry and George.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
INT. FAVORITE NEW YORK CITY DINER, MORNING.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Jerry and George sip coffee and converse. Jerry shares exciting news.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: George, you\u2019re never going to believe it, but last month I entered a contest, and I won! I actually won!<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: What\u2019s the prize?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: It\u2019s an all-expense-paid trip to Colorado.<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: Oh, somebody is trying to sell you something. There\u2019s always a catch, Jerry. There\u2019s always a catch!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: No, I don\u2019t think so this time. It seems legit. Three days at nights at the Great Sand Dunes National Park.<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: Great Sand Dunes? You want sand dunes, you can go to the Jersey Shore. Beautiful sand dunes!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: Oh, not like these. The biggest ones are 700 feet high.<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: That\u2019s impossible! 700 feet is the size of some skyscrapers in New York.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: Yeah, that\u2019s the size of it. It says so on the internet. And you know, if it\u2019s on the internet, it\u2019s true. Anyway, it\u2019s a camping trip, and they are providing all the camping gear and a rental car to get around.<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: Camping? Oh, I love camping!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: Really? You don\u2019t impress me as the camping type. You do realize this is outdoors.<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: I know what camping is, Jerry. I was a Webalo.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: What\u2019s a Webalo?<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: It\u2019s a preliminary step to becoming a Boy Scout. They take kids out into nature and teach them necessary skills for camping and survival. The name stands for wolf, bear, lion and scout.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: Wouldn\u2019t that make it Weba-lies?<\/p>\n\n\n\n George, (looking stunned, pausing): Don\u2019t mess around with the facts, Jerry. You\u2019re always messing with the facts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: Did you continue on to be a Boy Scout?<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: No. My mother made me quit. She said that kids running around with axes and starting fires were an evil element. Do you believe it? An evil element. But I won a Webalo award. I love camping!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: George, since you love camping, why don\u2019t you come with me? It\u2019s a trip for two. Supposedly, they provide everything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: Really? You want me to go on a camping trip with you? I would love that. In Colorado. Under the evergreens like in the Billy Joel song. Yeah, I\u2019ll do it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n CUT TO: Colorado. Jerry and George arrive at the park, driving a rented Toyota Camry. Jerry is dressed in summer clothes, a polo shirt and lightweight pants. George wears a heavy flannel shirt and blue jeans, with a hunter\u2019s cap.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n George: Thank God we finally got here. After five cups of coffee, I have to use the restroom.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: The visitor\u2019s center is just up ahead. The website said one of the most spectacular views is from the back of the visitor\u2019s center. This car is brand new. Nice handling. Too bad you couldn\u2019t drive it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: I told you, Jerry. I broke my fingers in the tragic laundry accident last week. The lid to the washer closed on my hand and I think it broke two of my fingers. And I couldn\u2019t grip the steering wheel with my left hand, so I wouldn\u2019t have been able to drink my coffee and drive at the same time. I have to have coffee when I drive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: Then you wouldn\u2019t be having these bladder issues, would you? The sponsor said the park campgrounds are closed because of the coronavirus. They gave us a list of nearby campsites.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry pulls into the Visitor Center lot. They get out of the rental car and approach the building. Signs indicate the Visitor\u2019s Center is closed due to the COVID virus. George erupts in <\/em>rage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: Closed?! Is this our taxpayer dollars at work?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: The entire visitor\u2019s center is closed. It makes sense. You have all these people coming from all over the country and international visitors, bringing their kids. Little super-spreaders running all over the place, touching everything. They probably had to draw the line.<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: I want to speak to the management.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: Good luck with that. C\u2019mon, let\u2019s go take a look around the rear of the building.<\/p>\n\n\n\n They get to the rear and witness the breathtaking view. A gravel path led downhill and away from the building with information placards every 50 yards or so. It looped back near the parkin<\/em>g lot. <\/p>\n\n\n\n George: I don\u2019t see any trees. I really have to go.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: I would imagine the fine for relieving yourself in public in a national park would be pretty steep. C\u2019mon, let\u2019s go read some of this information.<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: The only thing I want to read is a sign that says \u201cEmployees must wash hands before returning to work.\u201d Let\u2019s go.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: Look here. It says that in addition to unique vegetation, the area wildlife consists of black bears, elk, mule deer, something called an Abert squirrel and kangaroo rats.<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: Oh, great. We\u2019re going to get eaten by a bear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: I\u2019m very curious about these kangaroo rats. I mean, is it a rat? Or is it a kangaroo? And what God-forsaken calamity brought the two together? Is it big like a kangaroo, or is it little like a rat?<\/p>\n\n\n\n A warm gust of wind blows George\u2019s hat into the brush. He departs from the path to retrieve it. Jerry is unaware as he reads from the next display.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: The vegetation in the San Luis Valley is comprised of a variety of wildflowers, sagebrush, Pinon pines, drought-resistant grasses and prickly pear cacti.<\/p>\n\n\n\n George comes back without his hat.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n George: There\u2019s cactus out there!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: I know. The prickly pear type.<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: They have needles like the ones in my grandmother’s sewing kit. They went right through the bottom of my shoes. Look, I have needles sticking out of my jeans.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: Where\u2019s your hat?<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: It\u2019s out there. I can\u2019t get it with all the cactus needles.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: Aren’t there instructions in your Webalo manual?<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: Very funny, Jerry. Very funny. Let\u2019s find a bathroom before I explode.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: The map says there\u2019s a picnic area a mile down the road that has a restroom.<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: Good it\u2019s lunchtime, too. We can kill two birds with one stone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n CUT TO: Picnic Area.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: We have some gourmet sandwiches and soft drinks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: I\u2019m starving.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: Apparently, so are the chipmunks and animals here. Look at them all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: What\u2019s that bird doing over there? It\u2019s pecking on the car tire! Hey!<\/p>\n\n\n\n George gets up to shoo the magpie away from the tire.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Get out of there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The bird flies away, but a chipmunk climbs up on the table and makes off with George\u2019s sandwich.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: Good Sandwiches.<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: These animals must be working together in collusion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: We better go get a space at the campground. There\u2019s one about 10 miles back that is only $11 a night.<\/p>\n\n\n\n CUT TO: Jerry pulls the sedan into the campground driveway. He notices the sign that warns, \u201cBlack Bear activity: HIGH.\u201d He fails to notice a sign that reads \u201c4WD Required.\u201d The fastest they can go on the rock-strewn road is 7 mph. About a quarter mile up the road, the car is bouncing on the rocks. Both Jerry and George are grimacing. Four miles later, at the top, they find an empty campsite and pull in. They are visibly shaken as they get out of the car.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n George: I think my hernia just had a hernia.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: It’s $11. All I have is a $10 bill and a couple of $20s. Have you got a dollar?<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: No, I never carry any cash anymore. All the beggars on the street have gotten so aggressive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: Well I\u2019m one of those beggars now. You mean to tell me you don\u2019t have any cash at all?<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: Nada.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: I guess I\u2019ll have to pay with a $20 bill. The Bureau of Land Management is going to make $9 off me tonight. I\u2019ll go pay and you start putting up the tent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: I can\u2019t pitch the tent. (He raises his left hand) Broken fingers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: You can\u2019t pitch a tent? What kind of Webalo are you?<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: I\u2019ll have you know, Jerry, that when I was a Webalo, I won an award for pitching a tent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: They have an award for pitching a tent? But now, you\u2019re a grown man and you can\u2019t pitch a tent when we need it the most. You should be ashamed!<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: I won an award! My mother has it. She started a trophy case for me after I won it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: It must be very lonely. Here\u2019s $20. You take it up to the drop box, fill out the envelope and drop it in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: It\u2019s like going to church.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: Whatever. I\u2019ll try to set up the tent while you\u2019re gone and we can head back to the dunes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry figures out how to assemble the tent and stakes it to the ground. George comes back eating a candy bar.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: Almost set up. What are you eating?<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: A candy bar. They had a candy machine next to the rest room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: How much was it?<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: A dollar.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: You do know what I\u2019m going to ask next. Where did you get the dollar?<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: I had four quarters in my pocket. Why?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: I asked you if you had any cash and you said no.<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: I had change. Change isn\u2019t cash.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: Yes, it is! It cost me nine dollars! <\/p>\n\n\n\n George: Cash implies bills, greenbacks, Jerry. Anyway, the tent looks nice. This\u2026 THIS is why I love camping!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: Yes, it\u2019s amazing what they do with nylon, elastic and a little fiberglass these days. I don\u2019t see where it provides a whole lot of protection from the black bears on the loose. They see one of these and tell themselves, \u2018I wonder if this is like the last one we ate, with the people inside the wrapper.\u2019 And the mama bear says, \u2018But that was a family of four. Too much, if you ask me. This is a two-man tent. Perfect for a snack.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: That\u2019s ridiculous. Bears don\u2019t talk.<\/p>\n\n\n\n LATER: Jerry and George grimace as they drive down the rock-strewn road.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n EVEN LATER: They stand at the entrance to the dunes and begin walking across the dry Medano Creek bed. After the flat, compacted creek bed ends, they truge though softer sand toward the dunes<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: The ranger said it\u2019s a half mile to the dunes. And she said that at night, we will be able to see the entire Milky Way?<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: How can we see the entire Milky Way when we\u2019re in it?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: I don\u2019t know! We\u2019ll understand it when we see it. And the same goes for the kangaroo rats.<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: Mow many city blocks do you suppose make up a half mile?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: I don\u2019t know. Why?<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: Because I keep track. This sand is pretty deep.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: Yes, it is. Look how high those dunes are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: It\u2019s very hot here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: That\u2019s because you\u2019re dressed like Grizzly Adams and it\u2019s August.<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: I feel like Lawrence of Arabia.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: You look more like Larry the Cable Guy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n They begin climbing the dunes toward the peak. George Stops to take a rest. He takes a swig from his water bottle and loses his balance, falling off the ridge and tumbling down about thirty feet. He tries to climb back up. It\u2019s like trying to go up a down escalator. For ever foot he gains, inches are lost. Jerry laughs at him.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n George: It\u2019s not funny, Jerry! It\u2019s not funny!<\/p>\n\n\n\n He finally gets back up on the ridge, covered in sweat and sand. Twilight gives way to darkness before they reach the peak. They sit and watch as the stars begin to appear in the sky.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: This is fabulous!<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: This makes it all worth it. At 8,600 feet above sea level, the stars look huge. They\u2019re brighter than any stars I\u2019ve ever seen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: They look like shiny quarters.<\/p>\n\n\n\n LATER: They trudge, exhausted, to the parking lot.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n George: I have sand in places you don\u2019t want to know about.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: You\u2019re right. I don\u2019t want to know about it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry takes off a hiking boot and turn it upside down. An enormous amount of sand pours from the shoe. George follows suit. He pulls the pockets out of his pants. They, too, are filled with sand.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n George: If everybody leaves the dunes with this much sand, then how come it doesn\u2019t run out?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: That must be one of the untold mysteries of nature. Man has been seeking the answer to that question for centuries, ever since open-toed sandals went out of style as climbing equipment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: They need to recycle the sand. Here in the parking lot, they should have a place where you can empty the sand from your shoes and from your clothes. It could be like a bottle deposit, where they pay you so much for every pound of sand you return. Sand Reclamation boxes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: I\u2019m sure that great scientific minds are working on that as we speak. I can\u2019t get over the special bear boxes they have to keep the bears out of the trash. They should just put all the trash in one place and let the bears have at it. It would be like one of those all-you-can-eat Chinese food buffets, except for bears. Then they wouldn\u2019t bother people and steal their food. The bear would be saying, \u201cI could expend a lot of energy and break into the coolers these campers left out. But no, I think I\u2019ll go down to the free buffet.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: I think you\u2019re onto something, Jerry! Although I\u2019m still not buying that bears can talk. I bet the next time we come here, they will have sand reclamation boxes in every parking lot, and bear buffets. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Jerry: Eh, I wouldn\u2019t count on it. Come on, let\u2019s get back to camp. We can start a nice fire and chat for a while before we sleep on the ground in a flimsy nylon covering that the bears are onto.<\/p>\n\n\n\n George: That\u2019s why I love camping! No, we can\u2019t have a fire. There was a sign at the entrance that said there was a state ban on campfires until further notice. It was right next to the sign that said \u201c4WD Required.\u201d Whatever that means.<\/p>\n\n\n\n CUT TO: Jerry and George grimacing as they drive the Camry up the rock-strewn mountain road.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n THE END<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I LOVE CAMPING As with all my adventures, a comedy element exists that brands them<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":308,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[67,28,66,27],"tags":[71,9,68,70,72,55,14,69],"class_list":["post-307","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-comedy","category-inspiration","category-life","category-nature","tag-camping","tag-colorado","tag-comedy","tag-great-sand-dunes","tag-hiking","tag-national-parks","tag-nature","tag-seinfeld"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/adventureaday.blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/307","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/adventureaday.blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/adventureaday.blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/adventureaday.blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/adventureaday.blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=307"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/adventureaday.blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/307\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":330,"href":"https:\/\/adventureaday.blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/307\/revisions\/330"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/adventureaday.blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/308"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/adventureaday.blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=307"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/adventureaday.blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=307"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/adventureaday.blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=307"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}